UMMMMM

So where do I start with this? My biological father and I haven't always been in contact with each other. Actually the last time I saw him, it was Christmas of 1977! Then in the Fall of 2003 I get a call on my answering machine out of the blue from him!! REALLY?!?!? 26 years later I get a phone call from him? But the funny thing was, I wasn't upset. I had been trying to find him for several years.  I had given up all hope on finding him when he called.

But after that it seemed to all go to hell! After all the years of wondering, I was put into a position that I had to be the one that reached out and made contact. I would ask questions. I would give information. Once I was asked to fly to Fiji to visit. Carole and Mark had won a trip to visit. Carole's kids didn't live that far from. I looked up ticket prices and it was going to cost me over $1,000.00 just for the ticket! It was less than $200 for each one of them! They could have offered to help with the cost if it meant that much to them. I asked several time when they were coming to the states to visit. Never got an answer. Did they not understand that driving is a lot cheaper than flying? If they were already planned to visit, then they weren't going out of their way to pay for a cost they were already going to spend.

Well, I could go on, but that isn't what this is about. I decided to clean out an email box that I don't check on all that much. Well, in doing so, I found that I had 4 emails from Carole. The first one had me a bit confused. The second one was written two months later. It was filled with a bit of vinegar and anger. But I figured out what it was about. My biological father had passed away. The third and forth emails were filled with hate and anger. But understandable, she thought I had totally dismissed her emails without a care or concern for her or for my father.

I do care, I was thrown for a loop when I received those emails. The way I see it, Mark told her that he couldn't contact me because it would be interfering with me life. But if I wanted to be a part of theirs then I needed to step it up. I'm sorry; I may be an adult but in this situation I am still the child. He walked out of my life, not the other way around. He did extend a hand to me but again, it wasn't my responsibility to keep feeding information and not get any in return!

So how do I feel about all this? To be honest...I don't know. I'm sad, heart broken, relieved, disgusted, void of feeling, over run with feeling. I feel everything and nothing at the same time!!

I'm sorry that we never had the type of relationship that you wanted us to have. That I wanted us to have.